Sunday, November 30, 2003

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns
unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine
or feminine.

House, in French, is feminine-la maison.
Pencil, in French, is masculine-le crayon.

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by
gender and asked them to decide whether computer should be a masculine or
feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine
gender (la computer), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le
computer), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food
moistened with warm milk yummy treats and leftover fish

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house
their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up
and cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and
cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed
inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at
certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except
on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump
up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or
sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must
sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching
post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-
piece, high impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet
kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded
litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of
head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an
old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed
with non-allergenic lamb's wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed,
except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under
the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under
the covers except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer
keyboard on the desk when the human is
asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING

Saturday, November 29, 2003

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking
a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the

"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

"You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks
the father.

"I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to
the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the
last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he
can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types,
always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day
arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly
heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of
the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid
questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in
that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out
empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum
physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual
particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never
know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl
might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really?
Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here
every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she
might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking
likely is THAT to happen?"
Osama bin Laden was kicking around some rubble left over from the
latest bombing, and found a copper jug with a wax plug. He pried off
the plug and out popped a female genie;

"How may I serve you, Master?" she inquired.

Osama was not impressed. "Don't need anything from a female!" .he
said, churlishly.

"But Master, I MUST do SOMETHING for you, or I have to go back into
confinement! Please! Isn't there anything I can get you?"

"All right!" snapped Osama churlishly, "Tomorrow morning, I want to
find three American women in bed with me, ready to do what they do
best! Now, get lost!"

"Your wish is my command!" said the genie (miffed), and vanished.

The next morning when Osama woke up, he had Lorena Bobbit, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton in bed with him;

his penis was gone,
his leg was broken,
and he had no Medical Insurance.
There is a guy who has been having chronic trouble trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes
the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad
news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but
there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby
elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without being able to have sex is too much for me. What
have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant
to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a
stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point
of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to
relieve the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over
the tabletop, grabs a dinner roll, and returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... But I don't know
if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.
As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk,
they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself
with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean
herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm
not getting rid of my panties!" so she used the ribbon of
a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to
each other on the phone, and one says to the other:

"We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these
two were up to no good last night, my wife came home
without her panties."

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home
with a card stuck to her ass that read,
'We will never forget you.'"
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

An old Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I
rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and
she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

An old Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I
rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love
and she screamed for 15 minutes."

An old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I
rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat),
we made love, and she screamed for six hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could
you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?!"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
name had been in my high school class almost 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This
balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have
been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he
had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1953."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar.
Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M."
The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:
What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Scientist Burns Penis with Hot Laptop
Fri Nov 22, 9:53 AM ET
Add Oddly Enough - Reuters to My Yahoo!

LONDON (Reuters) - Laptops have always been a hot item but a 50-year-old scientist didn't realize to what extent until he burned his penis.

The previously healthy father of two remembered feeling a burning sensation after he had been writing a report at home for about an hour with the computer on his lap.

He noticed a redness and irritation the following day but it wasn't until he was examined by a doctor that he realized how much damage had been done.

"The ventral part of his scrotal skin had turned red, and there was a blister with a diameter of about two centimeters (0.8 inches)," Claes-Gorn Ostenson, of the Karolinska Institute in Sweden, wrote in a letter published in The Lancet medical journal on Friday.

Two days later, the blisters broke and the wounds became infected and then crusted but after about a week the unidentified scientist was "healing quite rapidly."

Ostenson noted that the computer manual did warn against operating it directly on exposed skin but said the patient had lap burns even though he had been wearing trousers and underpants.

"This...story should be taken as a serious warning against use of a laptop in a literal sense," he added.
These signs do indeed speak for themselves:

On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'


Official sign near door: Door Alarmed.
Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.


Guys: No shirt, No service
Girls: No shirt, No charge


Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus
(translation of the Greek):
'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'


A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest


Sign in King's Canyon in California.
'Slow Parking Ahead'


A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from
Johannesburg International Airport into town.
An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the
roof and all the windows down.
The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'


Two signs found on top of one another in a country
kitchen several years ago:

Please wait for hostess to seat you.


Sign in front of church in Montpelier, VT:
Bingo Friday night at 8:00pm
Quickies Thursday at 7:30pm.


Seen in a health food store_
" Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot "


"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."


I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant:
the sign read: Women are not served here...
You have to bring your own.
------- Forwarded message follows -------
Date sent: Wed, 20 Jun 2001 11:46:34 -0700
From: jgfisher
Subject: FW: Wendy Carlos funny

Recording Tips -- For The Beginner

Sooo -- you're all excited, about to have your first recording
session as an engineer. Great! Wish I were able to be there to help.
Since I'm not (kell dough mahj), I thought I'd just jot down a few
thoughts and tips, although you may have already learned some of them.

Assuming you'll be using a directional mike (a Cardiac pattern, which
has a "hearty sound", for example):

Put the "talent" in the FRONT of the mike for normal recording. Put
the "talent" in the BACK of the mike only for backups.

If you have an Army-directional mike (why they're credited to the
Army no one can tell, and you're not supposed to ask), which picks up
both front and back (also all around, unlike ribbon mikes, which are
only bi-saxual), you can do the recording and backup at the same
time. This is usually termed "Bi-Sax-o-Mode", in honor of the
American Bison, and Adolf Sax, inventor of the Saxophone and Saxbut.

The mike should be neither too close, nor too far from the sound
source. A simple formula often used by professionals to calculate the
optimum distance to the source, D, is given by:

D = 4.72 x 10^-3 x (2pi/SV)[sin(M/T) - cos(M/2T)] dM/dt + e^[h(H'- H)
sqrt(H/H')] x log (1/[SVT^2]) +/- msp

D = the desired distance in inches
H = height of the sound source in meters
H' = height of the mike in yards
V = max volume of the source in dBm
S = sensitivity of the mike in millivolts per dBm
T = mean temperature of the room in degrees Melvin
h = Plank's reasonably constant
M = arc tan (area of microphone diaphragm, in round mm)
and msp = mistake someplace, in watt-kilograms/hour.

The best microphone for an accordion is none. (This rule-of-thumb also
applies to bagpipes and rappers.)

If you are recording onto tape, good maintenance practice would be to
clean the tape head and path. Do not use peanut butter for this, even
the "creamy" kind. Mustard, crazy glue, or mayonnaise are also poor
choices (trust me), but in an emergency, Vodka on a Q-tip will work,
especially if recording Russian music (hint: save some for yourself,
but substitute an olive for the Q-tip.)

Usually it's preferable to put reverb on AFTER the solo tracks are
recorded, as true reverb filters not only don't exist yet, but are
unusually expensive, and difficult to abuse.

If you are recording onto the Hi-Fi tracks of a video deck, you may
also wish to record the video feed that you monitor to observe if the
talent behaves disrespectfully or slovenly. The tape can later be
useful in preparing an MTV video... or blackmail.

If you are recording onto the Hi-Fi tracks of a video deck, you may
also wish to turn on an air-conditioner near the "talent". The a/c
will supply a white noise sound, to hide the AFM glitches in the
Hi-Fi tracks. This is an example of the Masking Effect.

As the a/c gets louder, its masking effect may be measured via a
"Signal to Noise Radio" and yardstick. These radios are portable,
being battery powered. (The yardstick is also portable, but will need
no batteries.)

CAUTION: do NOT wear a mask for a more pronounced masking effect.
However, earplugs may be useful.

The "talent", however, can wear a mask, unless they are reading the
part. In that case they're probably too professional for you to be
recording anyway.

To the RIGHT is loud (only for rotary controls -- for sliders
usually, it's UP).

Harmonic distortion is BAD. So is melodic, rhythmic, or contrapuntal.
Usually the only effective remedy is to replace the "talent".

Check that no cables are plugged in backwards, or that an odd number
of cables are connected together in series. This is called phase

Be sure the equipment is operating adequately, and the performer
knows the music adequately. This phase is called rehearsal. (You may
eventually outgrow this phase, as familiarity breeds contempt.)

NEVER plug the monitor speakers input into an AC outlet, even if you
have a proper adapter cord. There are far better ways to test them
(convenient spray cans are available.)

Be sure the sound passes through the cables, or at least very
closely. If there is any signal leakage, you could damage your floor,
especially while recording Acid Rock, Acid Jazz, or Grunge -- yechht!

Be sure the sound passes through the cables in the proper direction
(note the arrows on the connectors or cord.) Otherwise, when a singer
inhales, you will hear an exhale, and vice versa. This is as horrible
as the worst possible vice: punning (and as you know, there is no
vice versa.)

Do not wave at a performer unless seated. Good studio practice
minimizes all Standing Waves.

Digital recording technology likes lots of digits. So keep all your
digits busy while recording, moving faders and knobs and switches a
lot. When your digits are happy, so is the master.

Reduce the oxygen in the air near all signal carrying copper wires,
to keep them oxygen-free. Fire can be useful for this purpose, as it
consumes most oxygen readily. (Summertime tip: pure silver wire only
tarnishes, so you won't need combustion -- as long as silver polish
is readily available.)

Keep the performers and yourself well supplied with caffeine and
drugs. You need to perform at your best. The only amplifiers are not
just in the rack. (But Mister Manners says: don't try this at home
without the supervision of an adult/parent, preferably both.)

Don't place the mikes near the loudspeakers, unless one or the other
of them is OFF, unconnected, or nearly so (the old "partially
plugged-in ploy".) This can cause undesirable problems, of social and
medical nature. However -- once your ears are fused, go right ahead.

To start a take, establish a safe recording level (your hardware
store sells levels, which may help). Then place the tape or recording
medium into RECORD, and signal the "talent" in an appropriate
fashion: mallet, strobe light, firehose, whatever. (This is termed:
Cue the Miracle, and is a definition of an Optimist.)

If the "talent" is a painter or mime, you may omit the first two
steps. (Or move the mike in a LOT closer.)

If the "talent" is not very, you may omit all remaining steps. (Or
move the mike further away -- for example to Block Island.)

Enhance the performer's crescendos by moving the fader up each time.

Enhance the performer's diminuendos by moving the fader down each time.

Variation, for extra points: do the OPPOSITE of the above, each time.
Don't be too subtle about it, or you'll waste all your enhancements
-- and what's the point of that?

There are TEN "dessies" in a Bel. Now you know. Note: the dB is
metric, and you must pay a metric Scale. (Union musicians: pay the
12-tone Scale.)

The maximum level setting for a rock drummer is: 60 x their IQ/your
IQ, in "dessies". If you wish yours to remain undisclosed, just
calculate: their IQ/2, for a reasonable approximation.

If this is to be yet another heavy metal session, it might be
desirable for all participants to bear in mind the subtleties and
nuances of the "MILD" principle: "Make it loud, dammit!"

In these PC aware times, equality is a good thing. So be sure to use
plenty of EQ. Make amusing and interesting patterns of ups and downs
with the EQ, to make the recording more interesting. Or amusing.

When each TAKE is completed, stop the recording medium, and signal
the performer (see suggested methods above) either to prepare to do
it again, or not -- your choice and tolerance. Try to write something
down on a piece of paper. A pep talk is often given here (so you can
GIVE before a TAKE.)

Tell them it was great, except, perhaps, for a slight clumsiness when
they passed out. Tell them you'll fix it in the mix. Tell them you're
known as "MagicFingers" in the studio business. Tell them: "Stick
with me, kid, and you'll wear diamonds!" Be sincere (but not too
honest...) Smile a lot.

Don't despair, tapes & media can always be erased. (Be sure to tell
this to the performers -- often.)

Just a few lessons learned during many years of studio experience.
Hope it helps ;-)

(Copyright 1997 by Wendy Carlos)
------- Forwarded message follows -------
Date sent: Tue, 05 Jun 2001 10:24:22 -0700
From: jgfisher
Subject: Fwd: Police Nab Breast-Temptress Thieves
To: Skip Black

>Police Nab Breast-Temptress Thieves
>Updated: Fri, Jun 01 1:24 PM EDT
>BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Three young Colombian women preyed on men by
>smearing their breasts with a powerful drug and luring the victims into
>taking a lick, before making off with their wallets and cars, police said
>on Friday.
>The women stood by the side of the road near bars and restaurants in
>wealthy parts of the capital Bogota, striking seductive poses to lure men
>driving by to stop, a police spokeswoman told Reuters.
>After licking the women's breasts, the men lost all will-power. They came
>to their senses hours later to find they had lost their wallets and cars
>but with no memory of what had happened.
>The three women, in their late teens or early 20s, were arrested in Bogota
>on Thursday in possession of powerful narcotic pills.
>"They dissolved the pills in water and rubbed it into their breasts," the
>spokeswoman said.
>Colombia's inventive thieves often dope people to rob them. On rare
>occasions, some of the victims have died.
> ------------- Begin Forwarded Message -------------
> > Words of Wisdom
> > > Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
> > The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
> > Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you
> anyway.
> > I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
> > "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid
> problem?'"
> > When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes
> for Christmas!
> > I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
> standing up really fast."
> > Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."
> > Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
> > I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
> > "I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."
> > Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
> > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
> > I see your IQ test results were negative.
> > Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.
> > When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
> > Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
> either.
> > If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only
> had ten disciples!
> > I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
> > > If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
> > The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
> value.
> > I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well
> keep the first.
> > If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
> Bloody Marys.
> > Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different
> languages.
> > "I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horse back riding. That was
> kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
> > Women should not have children after 35 -- Really...35 children are enough
> > Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
> > After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
> > I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
> > "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've
> stayed alive."
> > Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
> > "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
> > I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
> > "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
> America?"
> > Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery
> tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
> > How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
> > On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
> There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
> > Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
> > Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section
> in a swimming pool?
> > Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
> > I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.
> > I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
> involved.
> > The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal
> probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
> > Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
> > Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
> pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
> > Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by you again?
> >

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