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Tuesday, December 28, 2004

>bt: Evan's Journal
Dan Rather and Peter Jennings, along with a U.S. Marine assigned to protect them, were hiking through the Iraqi desert one day when they were captured by terrorists. They were tied up, led to a village, and brought before the Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the al Qaeda leader in Iraq.

Zarqawi said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish; so, before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." Zarqawi nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." Zarqawi nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Zarqawi turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked Zarqawi. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled out a 9mm pistol hidden in his cammies, and shot Zarqawi dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the remaining terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, they were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Jennings, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you assholes call me the aggressor?"

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Feet First: "Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

It's a cheap laugh, but I'm not proud.

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ...

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, So I Burned Down the House on Christmas Eve

Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
"

Saturday, December 04, 2004

ursulav: Nimrod was a mighty hunter before the Lord...: "I also had a cat that went insane with motherhood
One day we left out all the kittens (three litters worth) into the front yard for some fun and exercise. Well one of the mothers Shinjuko who had taken over nearly all the mother duties by that point was not happy at all where as the other moms were happy to have the little ones off them for a few. So she took to rounding them up. A daunting task since they kept running back outside once brought in. eventually she had EVERY KITTEN SIZED ANIMAL in the immediate vicinity in the large box for the kittens Including Baby Bunnies and other mid sized rodentia.
Needless to say this was funny as hell seeing her trying to get the baby bunnies (who by this point were weaned) to suckle"
Overheard On LiveJournal's Journal: "When I was a kid, we had two cats: Dakota and Vermont. Vermont was the natural hunter while Dakota liked to get petted. After Vermont made her first kill and brought the dead bird to thes creen door, asking Mom to pan-fry it, we praised her, called her a mighty hunter, and disposed of the bird. Dakota was jealous of this attention, it seems, so a few days later Mom heard her calling at the screen door. Mom went to let the cat in and there Dakota proudly stood, large piece of fried chicken in her mouth."
Overheard On LiveJournal's Journal: "When I was a kid, we had two cats: Dakota and Vermont. Vermont was the natural hunter while Dakota liked to get petted. After Vermont made her first kill and brought the dead bird to thes creen door, asking Mom to pan-fry it, we praised her, called her a mighty hunter, and disposed of the bird. Dakota was jealous of this attention, it seems, so a few days later Mom heard her calling at the screen door. Mom went to let the cat in and there Dakota proudly stood, large piece of fried chicken in her mouth."

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