Saturday, August 20, 2005
Many of you have heard Dr. Laura, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and others speak of the 'Homosexual Agenda,' but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Since they are all so concerned about the 'Homosexual Agenda,' I thought it might be helpful to have a copy so I asked a friend of mine who recently obtained a hard copy of it if he would send it to me.
He did, and now I am sharing it with all of you. I certainly hope it will assist you so that you will be prepared...
The Homosexual Agenda:
6:00 AM Gym
8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites and mimosas)
9:00 AM Hair appointment
10:00 AM Shopping (preferably at Nordstrom's, Neimans or Saks)
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, state, and local governments, as well as all other forms of world government;
Destroy all healthy marriages;
Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents from Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
Bulldoze all houses of worship;
Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media;
Be fabulous
2:45 PM Mud mask and forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, and Pouilly Fuisse)
8:00 PM Theatre
10:30 PM 'Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!'
I hope this helps clear the air about this issue.
He did, and now I am sharing it with all of you. I certainly hope it will assist you so that you will be prepared...
The Homosexual Agenda:
6:00 AM Gym
8:00 AM Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites and mimosas)
9:00 AM Hair appointment
10:00 AM Shopping (preferably at Nordstrom's, Neimans or Saks)
12:00 PM Brunch
2:00 PM
Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, state, and local governments, as well as all other forms of world government;
Destroy all healthy marriages;
Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents from Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels;
Bulldoze all houses of worship;
Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media;
Be fabulous
2:45 PM Mud mask and forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula, and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, and Pouilly Fuisse)
8:00 PM Theatre
10:30 PM 'Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!'
I hope this helps clear the air about this issue.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Mostly Cajun, All American and Opinionated :
"A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
” I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician.
“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”"
"A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
” I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people.”
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician.
“In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”"
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Read My Lips - the blog:
"A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, 'Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?'
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies.'
So the cowboy says, 'Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, 'Are you trying to call me a horse's ass ?'
The cowboy says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, 'Hard to fool them flies though.'"
"A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, 'Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?'
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of Circle flies.'
So the cowboy says, 'Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, 'Are you trying to call me a horse's ass ?'
The cowboy says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, 'Hard to fool them flies though.'"
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Mostly Cajun, All American and Opinionated:
"One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW ——–
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you."
"One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW ——–
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you."
Sunday, March 20, 2005
[IP] so true! so true! :-)
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'"
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'
The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'
The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.'"
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Fat Steve's Blatherings: Passing Around the Net:
THE PRINCIPLES OF JEWISH BUDDHISM
1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.
2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
12. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!
THE PRINCIPLES OF JEWISH BUDDHISM
1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.
2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.
9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.
10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
12. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!
Sunday, February 20, 2005
HOG ON ICE:
As for getting along with women...this is impossible. We know this because they get really angry at us all the time and then admit later that they were totally wrong and have no idea why they went off on us. I think the key is to turn the TV way up and nod a lot until it blows over. And get a PDA that reminds you to buy flowers and so forth on the correct days. If you give a woman a kidney or your seat on a lifeboat, she won't even thank you, but a $3 bouquet from the grocery store will usually get you oral sex.
Enjoy the good days. On the bad days, it helps to have a hobby that requires you to leave the house. Tell yourself she can't help it. Maybe if someone shot you full of varying doses of estrogen all month long, you'd be crazy, too.
I think this is also important. Try not to laugh hysterically when she tells you she's not like other women and doesn't have mood swings or behave unreasonably. All women say this. 'I hate women who play games; I could never do that.' Yes, dear. You're one of the good ones. Really. It helps to practice saying this while looking in a mirror, because if she realizes you're lying, God help you.
About ten percent of women are direct and relatively stable. Every woman thinks she is part of that ten percent. Well, you know what Yossarian said. You can't see the flies in your eyes if you have flies in your eyes.
As for getting along with women...this is impossible. We know this because they get really angry at us all the time and then admit later that they were totally wrong and have no idea why they went off on us. I think the key is to turn the TV way up and nod a lot until it blows over. And get a PDA that reminds you to buy flowers and so forth on the correct days. If you give a woman a kidney or your seat on a lifeboat, she won't even thank you, but a $3 bouquet from the grocery store will usually get you oral sex.
Enjoy the good days. On the bad days, it helps to have a hobby that requires you to leave the house. Tell yourself she can't help it. Maybe if someone shot you full of varying doses of estrogen all month long, you'd be crazy, too.
I think this is also important. Try not to laugh hysterically when she tells you she's not like other women and doesn't have mood swings or behave unreasonably. All women say this. 'I hate women who play games; I could never do that.' Yes, dear. You're one of the good ones. Really. It helps to practice saying this while looking in a mirror, because if she realizes you're lying, God help you.
About ten percent of women are direct and relatively stable. Every woman thinks she is part of that ten percent. Well, you know what Yossarian said. You can't see the flies in your eyes if you have flies in your eyes.
Mostly Cajun, All American and Opinionated:
"Boudreaux and his wife they out fishing in the lake one day. She stood up and fell over the side of the boat, and sank like a stone. Ol’ Boudreaux he dive in the water and look, but de water wuz plenny muddy, so he can’t fin’ her. After a while he goes back to the landing and tells de authorities. They mount a search. All night, they don’ find nuthin’. An’ all de nex’ day.
Fin’ly, Boudreaux, his phone ring. He pick it up and say “‘Ello?”
It’s the Sheriff. “Mr. Boudreaux, we got some bad news. We find your wife.”
“Oh, mon Dieu,” says Boudreaux. “She dead, hanh?!?!?”
“Yessir. She been in the lake a day an’ a half. When we pull her out, she had ’bout t’ree dozen big blue crab on her.”
“Oh, poor gal,” says Boudreaux. “An’ you brought her to the funeral home, hanh?”
“Hell, no,” said the sheriff. “Catchin’ crab like dat, we t’rew her back in. We gonna check her again in de’ mornin’!”"
"Boudreaux and his wife they out fishing in the lake one day. She stood up and fell over the side of the boat, and sank like a stone. Ol’ Boudreaux he dive in the water and look, but de water wuz plenny muddy, so he can’t fin’ her. After a while he goes back to the landing and tells de authorities. They mount a search. All night, they don’ find nuthin’. An’ all de nex’ day.
Fin’ly, Boudreaux, his phone ring. He pick it up and say “‘Ello?”
It’s the Sheriff. “Mr. Boudreaux, we got some bad news. We find your wife.”
“Oh, mon Dieu,” says Boudreaux. “She dead, hanh?!?!?”
“Yessir. She been in the lake a day an’ a half. When we pull her out, she had ’bout t’ree dozen big blue crab on her.”
“Oh, poor gal,” says Boudreaux. “An’ you brought her to the funeral home, hanh?”
“Hell, no,” said the sheriff. “Catchin’ crab like dat, we t’rew her back in. We gonna check her again in de’ mornin’!”"
