Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Slashdot | Earth Travel On Time, Again: "there wansn't any mention of dooms day

We here at HaulmarkCards.com think about Dooms Day a lot. An awful lot. We've been trying to come up with some catchy verses and clever phrases for a new line of Dooms Day greeting/sympathy cards. We have three problems:
1. We're not sure exactly when Dooms Day will fall, so getting cards to retailers will be a logistical nightmare,

2. We won't have much time afterward to spend the profits, and
3. Well, gosh! We just don't know how to 'read' the public on this whole Dooms Day issue. We don't want to come off all tacky with something like, 'Life was Swell, See you in Hell!' Then again 'Best wishes for a Brighter Tomorrow' just doesn't give us that warm fuzzy glow that your granny has come to expect from Haulmark Cards.

So we're asking you, the movers and shakers in the feel-good arena to offer up some suggestions. (In keeping with our policy of not paying for anything, these would be considered free-as-in-'free advice'.)

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Current Chaos Manor mail: "Subject: Expanding the hunt for terrorists!

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator. Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like 'x' and 'y', and, although they are frequently referred to as 'unknowns', we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.

Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line.

Remember, these weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex. As our Great Leader would say, 'Read my ellipse.'
Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks."

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Yahoo! Mail - jayrtfm4@yahoo.com: "Ariel Sharon comes to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a
state dinner. Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher chef and have
a truly Jewish meal.

At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzoh ball soup. George W.
looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't
eat such a gross and strange looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon
will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab
guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a
piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin
appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, and digs right in and
finishes the whole bowl.

'That was delicious,' Bush says to Sharon. 'Do you eat any other part
of the matzoh, or just the balls?' "

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Cruel: Very wrong & disturbing:
"A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, 'Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!' The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, 'Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!' The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. 'Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!' The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the little rabbit to a pulp.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.

'Lion,' they reprimand, 'why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!'

The lion answers, 'That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!'"

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