Friday, January 30, 2004

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Humor (Two Bits): "

BULLETIN WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

Monday, January 26, 2004

In a famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous
controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan
to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver)
responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."
He was cleared.

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost
before you will."

More tower chatter:
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the runway while an MD80 landed. The MD80 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts.
Another landing like that and I'll have enough for another one."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority
landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot
remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"
explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make
up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Thursday, January 22, 2004

I got a new car radio yesterday. Its has voice recognition. You shout 'soul' and it plays soul. You shout 'rock' and it plays rock. 'Jazz' and it plays jazz.
Some kids ran in front of my car.
I screamed 'f**king kids' and the radio played Michael Jackson.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

FW: Never Underestimate The Old Guys [rec.humor.funny]: "A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' was the reply.

'I'm exactly 47, ' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl 'How old do you think I am?' 'I guess about 29.' The woman replies.

'Nope, I'm 47.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I am 47, but thank you.'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.'

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this she says, 'Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, 'Madam, you are 47.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible,...how could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?'

The old man replies, 'I was behind you in line at McDonald's.'"

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. Some people are like Slinkies .. . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women are their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12. AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."

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