Thursday, February 26, 2004

Current Chaos Manor mail: "Attention, end-user vermin. Here's some software. It might work. It might not. No guarantees. In fact, we take no responsibility whatsoever even if it fries your motherboard, scrambles your hard drive, blows up your monitor, messes up your files, and gets you in trouble with the IRS. You have no rights at all, peasant. You will use the software EXACTLY as we graciously permit you to. Period. Any unauthorised use, regardless of whether permitted by other laws is, thanks to our lobbying efforts, not just a civil violation, but a criminal offence. You agree to waiving all 'fair use' and other rights (including human rights) by accepting this EULA. When we change our minds at whim about what you can or can't do with our software, you agree to that too, even if we decide to scan your hard drive and monitor your network traffic and secretly report, or sell, that information to anyone we wish without telling you. Don't bother to complain. If you do, we'll sue you and win, because we can afford lawyers and you can't. You should be thrilled we're letting you do anything at all with our product. And if you don't swear blood oath, on your mother's grave, full compliance with this license, then get our software off your computer and destroy the disk immediately. No, you can't get a refund, thanks to the choke-hold we have on the software stores. Thanks for the money, loser!"

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

To realize the value of one year, ask the student who has failed a class.
To realize the value of one month, ask the mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly.
To realize the value of one day, ask a daily wage laborer.
To realize the value of one hour, ask the man waiting for his girlfriend.
To realize the value of one minute, ask the person who has just missed his flight.
To realize the value of one second, ask the person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who has just won silver in the Olympics.
To realize the value of one nanosecond, ask a hardware engineer.
And if you still don't realize the value of time, you must be a software engineer.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Slashdot | Russian Rovers on the Moon: "When the Soviet Union wad ruled by Leonid Brezhnev [rcn.com], an extremely elderly person not capable of any mental activity furing his late years, there was a joke about Lunokhod and Brezhnev.

Airport in Germany. Soviet and German leaders meet. As the Germans come to the Soviet airplane, Brezhnev comes out, sniffs everyone from the German delegation, picks up some dirt off the ground, puts it in his pocket and returns to the airplane.

Few minutes later a Russian scientist apologizes: 'We messed up and instead of Presidential visit program loaded up Lunokhod program'."

Sunday, February 08, 2004

The man code 1. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him.

2. Under no circumstances may two guys share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow attendees.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not - and should not - provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination. Beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call out, "Bullshit!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits ... forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every increment of hotness she scores on the classic 1-to-10 Babe Scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may, however, gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission. He, in return, is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be regarded as spies until they demonstrate a knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a guy's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or even like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare the excuse about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. (Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin," then you may sit back and enjoy).

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" - "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" - "Another set and we can hit the showers." - "Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be referring to his beer choice.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

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